Crusade No. 24 ~ Final Wishes

 

I view these crusades as a platform to encourage creativity.  I love that so many of you have plugged in and shared of yourselves.  I see and hear of new friendships being made and that is so cool.  I witness encouragement through comments given and received.  I have tried to present challenges to get you doing something for yourself – maybe something new or something revisited, but something that we all do so we can learn additional tricks in the process of sharing.  I have some crusades in the hopper where we will carry on making stuff but this month I have an assignment for you I feel passionate about and I hope you will give it some consideration – if not now, then sometime soon.

 

 

If you’ve been following along with my personal life on my other blog you know that I recently lost my sister.   I was in the privileged position to discuss final wishes with her.  I was present and therefore able to think out loud with her and later follow through.  It is a difficult thing to communicate about this kind of stuff but it is even harder to plan a farewell while you are coping with immense grief.  While in the midst of all the preparations I kept thinking to myself: I need to think about and write down my own wishes and I'm going to tell everyone I know to do the same.

 

    

 

This month I challenge you to think about the unthinkable.  Consider what, if any, final wishes you might have.  Write them down and tuck them away in an envelope in your jewelry box or bible or special place.  I truly believe it is a gift to your loved ones to spell out your preferences.  We may think that none of it really matters because we are in a better place but if you have thought it through, even to the smallest degree, you may diffuse a lot of tension. 

 

 

I can barely write this post which is proof of how we dance around the subject of death.  My experience makes me passionate about asking you to give this subject some thought.  I’m not going to spell out all the things that I think you should be writing in your Final Wishes letter – you will know what’s right for you.  You may find your letter gets longer or shorter as life experiences give you addition insight.   There are many sites that can be of assistance if you need a jump start.  Click here for one.  Think of how much planning went into your wedding.  Now imagine something just as significant to your family, but with less time, compounded by grief.  It’s a gift to do this.   We hope to lead long, healthy lives and doing this doesn't alter that perspective - but we shouldn't leave difficult decisions to our loved ones if we can help it. 

 

 

I don’t want this to be a morbid or morose exercise.  It can be thought of as a loving act.  Do it for you, do it for your loved ones.  Back in high school we had an assignment to write our own obituary.  It was a lesson in goal setting and forecasting as we imagined what we hoped would be said about ourselves.   Writing my obituary didn't make me suicidal, just like deciding where I want to be buried, or if I want to be buried,  doesn't mean I want to die.  Do you know the poem The Dash?  The day we are born and the day we die doesn't mean as much as what we do with dash between.  Think of this crusade as a similar assignment.   

For this crusade:  write a private letter stating some of your final wishes.  Do this for yourself, and if you choose to post about it come back here and leave a comment and I will add you to the link list.  You are always welcome to participate in any previous crusades – just announce accordingly and I will label your link.  For instance, if you want to revisit Get Gothic I will label your link (C13).  If this isn't up your alley, I get it.  I'll be back next month with something to get your hands messy.

 

CRUSADE No. 24 ~ Final Wishes DUE DATE November 1st

 

Edit:  Achived links have been moved from sidebar to here.

CRUSADE No. 24

• Anna Matthews
  
• Anne Hartman
  
• Bonnie Luhman
  
• Cath Sheard
  
• Ingrid Dijkers
  
• JeriAnn (revised)
  
• Joanie Hoffman
  
• Kathryn Antyr
  
• Kathy McCreedy (C23)
  
• Kim H
  
• Lay Hoon
  
• Luanne Iwan (C18)
  
• Marie Johansen
  
• Marilyn Weyman Kegg
  
• Marlynn Likens
  
• Michelle Ward
  
• Suze Perrott
  
• Ursula Clamer

Comments

[Anne Hartman]

Michelle,
This is a great topic for a crusade, and one that will prompt your readers (like me) to do something important. I wanted to list an additional resource that I am aware of because of my experience as a hospice nurse. There is a document called "5 Wishes" that is available online or in print form. It is considered a legal document in 40 states, and can be used along with legal documents in the remaining states. The 5 Questions are:
Which person you want to make health care decisions for you when you can't make them.
The kind of medical treatment you want or don't want.
How comfortable you want to be.
How you want people to treat you.
What you want your loved ones to know.
It also addresses preferences for memorial services, burial, etc. For people who would like to write their final wishes, this is a great resource and will help guide you through what all you might want to include. More info is available at the website

http://www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html

I hope this helps. Your crusade has prompted me to order copies for my husband and myself, something I have been meaning to do for a long time. Thank you.

[michelle ward]

wow anne! first, thank you for your encouragement on this crusade. i wasn't sure how it would be received and your response is a *sign* to me that it's ok to have chosen this. second, thank you for the valuable resource. i'm skipping off to take a look. being a hospice nurse is a special calling - hugs to you. xo

[Chris]

I am currently working in this book:

http://www.amazon.com/All-About-Me-Philipp-Keel/dp/076790205X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222983081&sr=8-1

It is filled with details we can't always think of, and as it's filled and as it's read it can build layers of insight and information about yourself, both for yourself and for others. When there's a sizable amount of 'data', I will be copying it. I hope to give a full expression of who I am, what I think and wish, what I care about, to share with my nephews and friends. I got this because I don't have children and all of my relatives are much older than I am. It is important that my loved ones know how important they have been to me, and to see the bright and thankful and creative and forward-looking parts of my everyday life--not only the big, historic things. And also a way to write down and then cross out all the self-critical or shameful things we say and think about ourselves every day. Cross those out and show yourself and your loved ones that we are all connected and we are all valuable.

Of course, it's filling with photos, too. But I'm not wanting to share it yet.

Basically, I just wanted you to know, Michelle, that this is a BRILLIANT crusade, and there are many ways to honor it.

And I'm so glad that you suggested writing an obituary! That's a wonderful idea!

Thank you.

[JeriAnn]

Your recent Crusades have been coinciding with events in my life, Michelle. Clean Your Plate coincided with the Jewish New Year and now Final Wishes coincides with the anniversary of my surgery last year, when I finally wrote my will the day before I headed to the hospital. I have been meaning to update it and smooth over the rough places, and this is a good impetus.

May I suggest for those who are approaching this from fear to approach it from love instead? This is an opportunity to take care of everyone you love and to thank everyone you love, not just with possessions, but with enduring words they will treasure. Write a letter of love and hope to soar into the future. And once you've written it all down, call those people up and thank them in person. What better affirmation for living can there be than that?

[Cath]

I have been working through this sort of info with my 84 year old mother, who is very ill in a long-term way, but holding her own. And as you know recently my husband had a heart attack. I know *some* of what he'd want, but not enough to be honest. So he and I have some work to do. And then I have some work to do myself. Thanks for once again meeting things head on with amazing timing.

[Kathryn - Collage Diva]

Hi Michelle,
This crusade shows just how brave you are. You are not shying away from the painful experience that you recently had but you are moving FORWARD in a healthy way. What makes you even MORE brave is your courage to share your story and your journey. What makes you a STAR is how you walk your path in a way to encourage and lift up others.

This summer a co-worker and I took a visit to a local cemetery. We chatted about how we wanted to be remembered. I mentioned that my final wishes were nothing much - I don't need any fancy display that screams "Look at me. I was a success!" Your crusade ties in with my conclusion on that day - the final wishes are meant to help our loved ones as they go through a difficult time. This isn't a selfish act but an act of love. I look forward to taking care of this business and as JeriAnn suggested, do it with love. {here is my blog entry, "How do you want to be remembered?" http://www.collagediva.com/Site/Kathryns_Blog/Entries/2008/8/15_How_do_you_want_to_be_remembered.html}

Last week I watched the movie, "The Bucket List." This movie has me thinking about two things, the amazing things I want to experience in life and the important connections I want to nurture with family and friends.

Thank you for your thoughtful crusades!
Kathryn

[iHanna]

Did consider this years ago and did it as a journal prompt in my diary. I think everyone should do it and I hope your crusade this month will make people consider writing a letter to the people they love! Good luck everyone!

[Ellen-Mary]

This is a great idea.

My husband is currently deployed to Afghanistan. Before he left we sat down and went through all this together. We updated our wills, our health care proxies, powers-of-attorney, and final wishes. I know where all the important paperwork is and what he wants should things not go well. We discussed the kids, the house, and long-term care. It wasn't the easiest conversation to have and it wasn't actually just one conversation. It took a bit of time and that was good because it made us each think about things more thoroughly. I'm glad we did it because it takes a lot of things off my mind. When the time comes we will each be able to say we know exactly what the other one wanted so there will be no guilt about making the wrong decision and no second guessing ourselves.

You're right. This is an important thing for people to do for themselves and each other. The more your family knows about what you want the better they will feel when the time comes for them to do those things for you.

[stephanie]

Michelle,

This also coincides with Dia de los Muertos, which resonates hugely with me. This tradion of celebrating and honoring our loved ones that have passed away, showering them with food and drink and flowers....

I'm going to add your challenge to my Ofrenda this year.

[Marie]

Fabulous topic Michelle. I am enjoying these "pithy" topics! This one is important for everyone.
I've posted my "Crusade" today October 4th at:
http://zquilts.blogspot.com

[Jennifer White]

I couldn't agree more with what everyone has said up until this point. I've gone through losing both my parents and grandparents already and I'm only 40 years old. All of which have made me think of my own mortality...in a good way, like you said Michelle.

I now know that I do not want a typical funeral..that which I had for both my parents. I'd rather have a celebration of sorts, no cemetary, no standing around my casket. Yes, this can seem awful specific but it's something that we all need to talk with those in our lives about. I'm 40, single, and really w/out family. This is a conversation I've had with dear friends as well as put down on paper so anyone is aware of what my wishes are. It was actually a very cleansing process to be honest. Again, to agree with everyone in previous posts...something that many of us avoid in talking with our family and friends about, but yet can be such a freeing experience.

Thank you for the great topic Michelle...it's something I tell friends about when they say "..I don't need that" or "..that's so depressing"... it doesn't have to be, it's preparation and planning all in a very good way.

[Marilyn]

When I wrote my will a few years ago, I spent a lot of time writing down what I wanted each person to have to remember me by. The Sports Fan and the nephews all know that whoever is left is to go skiing at my favorite place on earth and to sprinkle my ashes with those of my late dog, Jasper, under a lift there (in the trees, not on a run where someone could fall over us). I like the thought that my favorite people are going to do one of my favorite things at my favorite place and leave what's left of me there. I can enjoy that thought now while I'm able!

It would be great if people took this one step further and updated or made a will, not forgetting to have it notarized and to give copies to the two or three people who will likely need to make decisions. Don't put it in a safe deposit box because that can't be opened right away. Give it to them now so that they can put it where they know where to find it if anything happens to you. At least tell them it exists and where to find it. And tell more than one person. We don't know what will happen and can't predict who might be left to deal with what remains, after all.

I care for my 95 year old mother and we are going through who gets what as I try to close up the house where we grew up. My mom didn't want to discuss what sort of funeral she wanted because she said that at her age, she didn't want to tempt fate. It took some coaxing but as she got into it, she was able to express some very decided preferences that we might not have known otherwise.

It isn't easy, but doing as you urge, Michelle, can make one's exit a much more peaceful and graceful process!

[Martina]

My Mom passed away very suddenly last year. In the midst of shock and disbelief, I at least knew what her last wishes were, because we talked about anything and everything, life and death. It is hard enough coming to grips with the loss of someone you love dearly, having to second guess your decisions in such a time only brings added heartache.

It might be hard to breach the subject at first, but its so worth it, if only to have an opportunity to let someone know how much you love them.

[Marilyn]

I just blogged about part of my own Final Wishes. And it occurred to me that there is a lot of comfort just in carrying out someone's Final Wishes. I was happy to be able to do that for my ex. But I wish he had left a will. It might not be a fun thing to do, but in the long run, I think it is kinder to your loved ones to let them know what you want and to make a will.

[Ingrid Dijkers]

This being the first anniversary of my Fathers death I found this challenge very difficult. As hard as I tried I was unable to articulate my Final Wishes at this time. I did however make a journal entry ready with a card and envelope for when I am able to come to terms with it.

[Julie]

Michelle, this is a subject close to my heart too!

I was diagnoised with Bowel Cancer in 2002 at the age of 43! My surgeon operated the next day leaving me with a stoma and the possibility of an uncertain future. Thankfully all is well now but at the time this very subject was 100% on my mind. I thought then of everything I wanted at my funeral and the words I needed to say to my loved ones particularly my children.

The whole thing led to me exploring my creativity in the first place. The need to get down on paper what I needed to, led to me scrapbooking and then into many other avenues that I am still exploring today.

I love that you have put up this crusade, it is so important and I think I shall now revisit everything and update it all.

Thank-you for reminding me of this.

[Kim H]

OH my heavens this was such a hard crusade! But so really needed!

Here is mine:

http://runningonink.typepad.com/316/2008/10/final.html

[Cath]

I have done ours - mine, my husbands and my mothers. Today we completed all three, signed them, stashed 'em, and sent copies by email to my sister, and his daughter. So now everyone knows what we all want. What a great thing to have done and got out of the way. Thank you so much Michelle.

Now, in case it helps anyone else, I am going to paste mine here so you can see how basic it is, but that (hopefully) it covers what I want.

Final wishes – Catherine Barker Sheard. Dated 19th October 2008.
Pain relief: if I am dying please give me enough pain relief to stop me feeling any pain. I do not mind if it makes me drowsy or sleepy.
When I am dying: If I am dying please do not prolong my life in any way. I am happy to be alone some of the time, unless I attempt to communicate otherwise. I have always preferred my solitude. My husband and family with me some of the time would be lovely however.
When I have died: Please cremate me and bury me in the Patea Cemetery. If my husband has died before me, I wish to be buried with him. I want a basic headstone only. I would like a plain pine coffin that people can write on.
I do not want a church service. A simple service then afternoon tea at a funeral home would suit me. I would like a family member to conduct the service. Please play “Where angels sing” by Meat Loaf and “At my funeral’ by the Crash Test Dummies - you will find these in my music CDs.
I am happy for any of following to speak if they wish: my husband Tony, my sister Ailsa, and my best friend Sandra. No one else is to speak please unless they keep it to 3 minutes or less – call it a final act of contrariness on my part if you like.
Thank you for respecting my wishes.

[Bonnie]

Very important subject matter. I have struggled for years over this subject. I guess one could call me a control freak. I just didn't like the laws concerning my final resting place.
I think I have found a solution that makes me happy.......you may read it if you wish. I chose cremation because I don't want anyone counting my chin hairs! :o)

Love you Michelle!

[Laura Miller]

You are so right and thoughtful, encouraging us to do this. I was fortunate enough to have THE conversation with both my Mother-in-law and my Father when they were days away from their passing. They shared things they wanted that we would never have considered. For example, my Mother-in-law was an old school Catholic who lived in Ohio but was about to die in California. I don't even want to imagine what we would have gone through to get her body to Ohio and will always be grateful that she was able to share with me that she wanted to be cremated. My Dad was able to share his experience with me, he knew he was dying. Since we had shared many important moments in my life, I feel truly blessed that I could share his premier moment. Dying is part of living and I have learned that it is to be experienced with consciousness. The letter in the jewelry box is a good thing, a heart to heart sharing is the best.

[Lay Hoon]

When I read your claiming about this Crusade challenge, i feel you are so thoughtful.

This is mine submission
http://mescrap.blogspot.com/2008/10/gpp-crusade-24-final-wishes.html

Thank you for your prompt.

[Joanie Hoffman]

Well, Michelle, I did it. And it's okay. Doing this Challenge reminded me of "things" I have that I would like someone in my family to hold on to, and got me busy gathering documents that might be helpful to whoever has to deal with my affairs after I die. All I have to do now is art up the letter & the envelope, seal it up, and put it away.
Thank you for this challenge.
Happy days,
Joanie

[Ursula Clamer]

Hi Michelle,
This is such a great crusade theme. I had actually been thinking about my wishes for sometime and only after reading your crusade did I actually think to put them down in writing. I have done a letter and created a journal page. I have shared my journal page on my blog, here's the link.
http://barefootwanderings.typepad.com/barefoot_wanderings/2008/10/final-wishes.html
Thank you for providing the nudge I needed. Ux

[JeriAnn]

I'm not entirely sure if this is appropriate for this Crusade, but I've created a "series" that I'm posting one day at a time from my birthday/Halloween to Nov. 2. It's also part of Stephanie's Dia de Bloglandia (for the Mexican holiday of Dia de los Muertos). My idea was to approach was to participate in your Crusade and her Dia by facing what frightens us most with a sense of joy and celebration. I think that my final wish would be to have my loved ones celebrate my life and be aware that the curtain that separates us is thin and at times even transparent.

Please feel free to skip my entry if you don't think it's quite right. I trust your judgement. My first couple of entries are at http://commutersjournal.blogspot.com.

-- JeriAnn

[Anne Hartman]

Michelle,
I finally got it done - and my post is here: http://annehartman.typepad.com/weblog/2008/10/gpp-crusade-24---final-wishes.html
Great crusade - thank you!

[Anna Matthews]

Not an easy topic, but its so important. I am so glad you challenged us to do this! Here is the link to my post: http://silvergirlsart.blogspot.com/2008/10/happy-halloween.html

Thanks and Happy Halloween!
Anna